Why do some narcissists find it so hard to give? Why are some narcissists so stingy and selfish? Is there any connection between narcissism and being stingy with money? Why are some narcissists generous to the outside world but stingy to their partner and their loved ones? Before I answer these questions, let me clarify something.
The mistake that most people make when trying to understand narcissists is that they assume that all narcissists are the same. In this case, they may assume that all narcissists are stingy, so when they meet someone who is extremely kind and generous, they assume that this person is not a narcissist in any way.
As a matter of fact, there are many narcissists who are so generous and kind. They get their narcissistic supply from the admiration and love they get when they give. So what’s the difference between stingy narcissists and kinder ones?
Stingy Narcissists Have Emotional Unmet Needs
In a certain study, it was found that when someone has some emotional unmet needs, they are more likely to become stingy with money. Examples of these emotional needs are: the need to be loved, the need for attention, the need for acceptance, and so on. This means that if someone feels unloved; they are likely to become stingy.
You may be wondering, why would they become stingy with money, when they are deprived of love. Well, our emotions are controlled by the subconscious mind which doesn’t use logic. When someone is lacking something important in one field of life, they will enter into a certain emotional state that may affect unrelated areas of life. As weird as it may sound, that is how the subconscious mind works.
Narcissists are usually so much in need of attention, admiration and love. While sometimes they do manage to get those needs satisfied, sometimes things don’t always go in the right direction. If a narcissist feels that they are not getting satisfactory attention, love or admiration, they may not only become stingy with money, but they may also become mean or depressed.
Being Stingy to Control you
If you depend on an abusive narcissist financially, they may use that opportunity to control you and make you do what they want. If they feel that you are not following their rules, they may stop giving you what you want until you comply with their rules.
In my article, “how turn the tables on a narcissist”, I said that one of the best things to do when you are dealing with an abusive narcissist is to minimize not only financial dependency on them but also emotional dependency.
Stinginess and Financial Insecurity in Childhood
If a narcissist grew up in a family where they didn’t have enough money, they may grow up feeling insecure about money. Even if they manage to earn a lot of money, they may always feel that they don’t have enough. This does not happen to narcissists only, but it can also happen to any person who was raised in a financially insecure family.
Most of the time, being stingy has nothing to do with the amount of money a narcissist has but their psychological state.
Stinginess and False Beliefs
Some narcissists believe that being kind and warm makes them look soft, stupid, and less masculine. Since a narcissist wants to appear anything but weak, if they have such beliefs, they will definitely be so stingy when it comes to money.
In my article “are narcissists insecure or confident”, I said that narcissists who don’t feel manly enough usually try to compensate by developing a behavior that may offend others. This behavior may be something harmless such as swearing often and telling dirty jokes, or something serious such as becoming mean or stingy.
Why is The Narcissist only Stingy to me
Sometimes a narcissist may be stingy for obvious reasons. If you had a fight, or if you’re not on good terms with them, then you can be sure that they are being stingy because they are mad at you. However, sometimes a narcissist may be stingy to their partner even if they were on good terms.
As I said, narcissists can use generosity to get attention, admiration and love from people. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, they will feel that they have already won you, unless the relationship is new. Therefore, they won’t be obsessed with pleasing you. This can make them prioritize the outside world, not because they don’t value their partner, but because they need to project a certain image to the world. See: how to know if a narcissist is using you.