What most people do when they get discarded by a narcissist is that they start to look for a reason why they got discarded. They start to look for what their narcissistic partner might have disliked about them. Most of the time, this results in actually finding something wrong about themselves and assume that it’s the reason why they got discarded.
Of course, there’s always a cause of the discard but most of the time it’s not about the narcissist finding something wrong about you.
The reason why the discard hurts so much is mainly because of the false conclusion people make afterwards. For example, if you were 100% sure that the narcissist discarded you because he can’t control you, would you feel that bad? You probably wouldn’t feel bad that much if at all. On the other hand, if you assumed that they discarded you because your physical appearance had slightly changed since you got into the relationship, you will not only feel bad but your self-esteem will also get damaged.
Don’t take any action right after the narcissist discards you
A narcissist’s discard is usually sudden, shocking, and confusing. This may make you want to take a quick and strong action to make the narcissist change their mind but that doesn’t work. Most of the time, the discard is meant to punish so that you regret doing the mistake you did (according to the narcissist).
In this case, the narcissist will be eager to see you panicking and desperate for their approval. Taking a quick action such as calling the narcissist to apologize will only give them the satisfaction of seeing you desperate for their approval.
The best thing to do here is to stay calm, let your emotions calm down so that your reaction won’t be entirely influenced by your emotions.
Understand why the narcissist discarded you
Understanding why the narcissist discarded you is very important because it not only helps you feel better but it also helps you make the right decision.
Some experts say that narcissists discard their partner when they no longer need them but that’s not always true. A narcissist can discard their partner for many different reasons but there are two types of discards.
1. The reactive discard
This discard usually happens after you’ve done something that the narcissist sees as an intolerable mistake. This is usually something that deeply hurts their ego. This discard comes suddenly and it’s usually obvious that the narcissist is mad at you.
You may be wondering what kind of action on your side that can cause this kind of discard but it usually depends on the narcissist’s perception. For example, if the narcissist told you to stop coming home late and you kept coming late without giving a convincing explanation, the narcissist may see that as a sign of disrespect; they may even believe that you’re doing it on purpose to challenge their authority or even believe that you are cheating.
2. The passive discard as a result of losing interest
This discard comes after the narcissist has lost interest in you. Again, this loss of interest does not mean that you are no longer interesting. Sometimes a narcissist attracts someone with one goal in their mind and once they reach that goal they lose interest.
Some narcissists start a relationship with the ultimate goal of proving to themselves that they are worthy, attractive, and desirable. This is because narcissists can’t feel good about themselves without reassurance from the outside. Once they manage to make you fall in love with them, they start to lose interest in you.
What to do when a narcissist discards you
After being discarded by a narcissist there are two things you do. You can either try to get them back or you can go no contact and move on. If the relationship was abusive then the only thing I can advise you is to move on and forget about them. My article: How to forget a narcissist after going no contact may help you.
On the other hand, if the relationship was healthy and if you believe that you can have a healthy relationship after you get back together, here is what you should do.
As I said, it’s important to understand why the narcissist discarded you first before you do anything. If the discard was the reactive one, the narcissist is very likely to come back when their emotions ease. One of the things you can do to make their emotions ease faster is to express regret. As I said, the narcissist’s aim behind the discard is to punish you and make you regret what you did. However, don’t overdo it in a way that shows desperation.
On the other hand, if the narcissist discarded you because they had lost interest in you, it’s still possible to make them gain interest in you again using the method I explained in my article: How to get a narcissist back. In my book “the ultimate guide to making a relationship with a narcissist work“, you will learn how to prevent the discard before it happens.