Sometimes, when I’m doing relationship counselling to people who are dealing with a narcissist, I get asked questions such as; how to make a narcissist miserable. It’s completely normal to feel a desire for revenge after going through emotional abuse and betrayal. Anger is also a normal stage that most people go through when a break up happens.
While anger is normal, there is a very big problem with it. If you remain stuck in an angry state you may not be able to make a logical decision. No matter how smart you are, once you are under the influence of a certain emotion, you can hardly make the right decision.
Abusive narcissists like it when they make someone feel guilty, angry and helpless. In this article, I’m not going to teach you how to make a narcissist miserable since that is the worst way to deal with a narcissist.
The best way to deal with abusive narcissists is to understand them first. Here are some facts about them:
1. Abusive narcissists are already miserable
A narcissist’s behaviour is a reflection of the emotions they are experiencing. A jealous person is someone who feels that others are making progress in life leaving him behind. This person may try to sabotage the success of the ones he is jealous of so that they remain on the same level.
Now what if someone is jealous, insecure, angry and ashamed of who he is? What kind of behaviour do you think this person would exhibit towards others?
Being overly critical, hurting you on purpose, making fun of other people and being disrespectful are all reflections of emotional turmoil that the narcissist is going through. A narcissist who tries to hurt you is a person who is suffering from a big emotional problem that leaks in the form of abusive behaviour.
2. Abusive narcissists like it when their victim plays their game
Narcissists are skilled abusers. They hate to see their victim calm, confident and happy. Instead, they like to see their victim helpless. When they see their victim going back to their feet, they usually try to destabilize them through emotional abuse.
The first thing abusive narcissists usually attack their victim’s is self-confidence. Now, the mistake that most people make when they try to defend themselves is that they react emotionally in a way that shows that they have lost control over the situation. This only tells the narcissist that he has succeeded in destabilizing them. It also makes the narcissist feel more in control. As I said you are likely to make many mistakes when you are under the influence of a strong emotion. See: how to make a narcissist feel guilty.
Why trying to make a narcissist you live with miserable is a bad idea
Emotional states are contagious. Even if you manage to make a narcissist miserable, their suffering would negatively affect you as well. As I said, abusive narcissists usually direct their emotional turmoil to others, especially those they live with. This might be you, your children or someone else. Some people think that if they give a narcissist a taste of his own medicine, maybe he would learn a lesson and change. But that’s not true. Pain is nothing new to an abusive narcissist. It’s what made him the way he is. More pain would only make him even more mentally disordered.
The only way to save your life from narcissistic abuse and its effects is to leave them for good. I know it may be harder especially when you are dependent on them but it’s worth any price.
Narcissists become the way they are after going through a painful experience especially in childhood, such being abused by parents. A non-narcissist adult can develop narcissism as well if he went through the same experience for a prolonged period of time. In my article, can a narcissist make you a narcissist, I said that living with a narcissist can make some people adopt their behaviour and values gradually.
Do you wish to be the mastermind when dealing with narcissists? Check out my PDF book “manipulating the manipulator“.