While I’m doing relationship counselling, many people ask me what they can do to make a narcissist dependent on them in order to make it harder for the narcissist to leave them.
I know you may be wondering why anybody would want to make a narcissist dependent on them but there are many reasons why some people would want to make a narcissist emotionally attached to them. In most cases, the narcissist is not abusive and they are having a smooth relationship. Some people are just confident to handle a narcissist without allowing him to be abusive.
However, there are also some negative reasons that can make someone want to make a narcissist dependent on them. For example, a person who fears abandonment may stick to a toxic narcissistic partner not because of love but because of the fear of abandonment. In such cases I usually let the person understand this fear and how to get over it instead of staying in a toxic relationship.
After you have made sure that there is no underlying bad reason why you want to make a narcissist dependent on you, then you can use these tips:
Play on Their Need for Narcissistic Supply in a Different Way
All narcissists without exception need and seek narcissistic supply. In my previous article, I said that any person who can help a narcissist feel good about himself in one way or another can be a narcissistic supply.
Most narcissists manage to collect several fans in real life and social media whom they try to impress and gain admiration and attention in return. This boosts their fragile self-esteem and makes them feel good about themselves temporarily.
Now back to our point, you cannot make a narcissist emotional dependent on you if they consider you as “another fan”. If you make them feel good about themselves the same way their audience makes them feel they would easily find an alternative in your absence.
Instead, you need to be different and unique to them. You will have to boost their self-esteem by making them feel better about themselves for who they really are, not the perfect false-self they pretend to be.
Narcissists usually have a hated real self and a fabricated false self that they display in public to attract admiration and attention. Unfortunately, it’s impossible for a person to gain real self-esteem by pretending to be someone else. That’s why narcissists never manage to build stable self-esteem.
Now, to make a narcissist dependent on you, you will have to help him feel more comfortable about his real self. This way, he will realise that you are his only source of real self-esteem and he will be dependent on you.
This does not mean that you should directly talk about their flaws. You have to be indirect as much as possible, otherwise they may interpret your words as criticism. Narcissists hate and fear criticism, if they mistakenly sense that you are being critical, they may become defensive.
Teach Them Real Intimacy
In my article about making a narcissist miss you, I said that narcissists crave emotional intimacy but at the same time fear it. Real emotional intimacy is when both partners or friends reveal to each other their real selves, weaknesses, strength, fears and secrets. This strengthens the bond between them and eliminates loneliness.
Narcissists need and crave emotional intimacy. But since they believe that making themselves vulnerable by letting someone else know about their real self would bring problems, they only allow superficial connections with their partner and friends. As a result they never experience the joy of real emotional connectedness that real intimacy brings despite the number of friends they have.
Contrary to what many people believe, narcissists can also be emotionally intimate once they feel secure. If you manage to tame a narcissist and make him feel comfortable expressing his real self, you can easily form an emotionally intimate relationship. Although, this is easier said than done.
Most often, narcissists fear to let others know about their inner self because they believe that once someone know about the imperfect self, he would consider them ordinary or even below average. As a result, they would lose admiration and attention from that person. That’s why you need to prove to them that their fears are irrational. Of course you should do it indirectly.
In my book “the ultimate guide to making a relationship with a narcissist work” I explain how you can help a narcissist get over the fear of emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is extremely important in making a relationship with a narcissist work. If you manage to be a source of emotional intimacy to a narcissist, he can be really emotionally dependent on you as long as he can hardly find an alternative. (see: how to make a narcissist addicted to you)