One of the common questions I get when I do relationship coaching is; how to keep a narcissist interested in you? Narcissists have a habit of devaluing and discarding their relationship partner sometimes for no obvious reasons. Some people get confused by this behaviour and wonder what they can do to prevent the narcissist from devaluing or discarding them.
Surprisingly, in most of the cases where people tell me that their narcissistic partner lost interest in them, I end up discovering that the narcissist did not actually lose interest. Instead, the couple had experienced a conflict that affected the narcissist’s ego.
Narcissists have very large egos. When they feel like their authority is being challenged, or when their partner hurts their ego in one way or another, they usually temporarily devalue or discard them without negotiations. This makes it difficult for their partner to understand what went wrong.
So how do you Keep a Narcissist Interested in you?
It’s important to note that each narcissist is different even though they all share many similar traits. Understanding well the narcissist you are dealing with as a unique individual is crucial to keep them interested in you. Here are five ways to keep a narcissist interested in you.
- Do not attack their ego: no matter how a narcissist may be interested in you, hurting their ego can make them discard you without warning. Because narcissists usually have inflated egos, even a slightly negative remark can hurt them. But perception plays a huge role. Sometimes you can behave in a totally normal way and still hurt a narcissist. If the narcissist interpreted your behaviour as disrespectful or if they thought that you had bad intentions, they can discard you as well. That’s why making your intentions clear and giving reasons for your actions is important if you are dealing with a narcissist who has perception problems. Narcissists hate criticism because it challenges their superiority and hurts their ego. However, this criticism only hurts when it’s interpreted in a certain way.
- Satisfy their narcissistic emotional needs: most narcissists need attention, admiration and praise in order to feel important. They usually have an intense desire to feel important. That’s why they may lose interest in you if you stopped making them feel important. If after settling in the relationship, you stopped giving them the attention you used to give them, then they may lose interest in you.
- Stay attractive: if you stopped taking care of your looks or anything that made you attractive to the narcissist then this can make them lose interest in you as well. This is because some narcissists like to show off their attractive partners to the public because it helps them project an image of superiority. If you are dealing with a narcissist who lacks ethics they may leave you if they thought that you are becoming less attractive than you used to be. Although not all narcissists lack good ethics. (See: how to deal with a narcissistic boyfriend or girlfriend).
- Seem more worthy than them: making a narcissist believe that you are worthy than him in one way or another can make them stick on you. Narcissists care a lot about displaying an image of superiority to the public. When they think that they can show you off to the public they will value you more.
- A discard does not mean the end of the relationship: it’s important to understand that the discard does not always mean the end of the relationship. When a narcissist is emotionally charged, they can cut contacts with you for a while. However, they usually come back when they calm down. In my book “the ultimate guide to making a relationship with a narcissist work“, I explained how you should de-escalate conflicts with a narcissist before they reach the point of devaluation or discard.
Be more than just a source of narcissistic supply
A narcissistic supply is anything that makes a narcissist feel important and superior. If you are just one of their sources of supply, they will love you but they may easily lose interest in you if they found a better supply.
In my post about making a narcissist dependent on you, I explained how despite having friends, fans, and a relationship partner, narcissists still suffer from loneliness because they have fear of intimacy. To keep a narcissist interested, you should help them feel less afraid of having an intimate connection with you. For example, if the narcissist believes that if they did something stupid you will tell it your friends, this can prevent them from having an close connection with you.
If you managed to have an emotionally intimate relationship with a narcissist, they will not only be dependent on you but you will also be giving them something they never get from anywhere else. For more information about developing emotional intimacy in a relationship with a narcissist, read my post: how to make a narcissist dependent on you.