Most often a relationship with a narcissist goes through idealisation, devaluation and ends with discard. Although a narcissist can idealise, devalue and discard their partner several times without actually ending the relationship. This means that you can still get a narcissist back even if they discarded you.
In this article I will mainly focus on bringing a narcissist back if breaking up was their decision (not yours), however the same tips may be applied even you were the one who decided to end the relationship.
I strongly advise against bringing an abusive narcissist in your life. You should only try to bring a narcissist back if he was not abusive in any way. If the narcissist you are dealing with was not abusive then go ahead and read this article.
Reasons why a Narcissist May Leave you
For you to successfully bring a narcissist back, you must of course understand why he decided to leave you in the first place. If you broke up right after some serious fights, disagreements or conflicts then you obviously have an idea why they left.
However, sometimes a narcissist may decide to break up with you for no obvious reason, leaving you wondering what went wrong.
Of course they can’t take such a serious decision for no apparent reason. Like most people, narcissists behave the way they do under the influence of unconscious drives. They can take a serious decision such as ending a relationship giving a simple excuse such as “I was no longer attracted to her physically”, while in reality something else pushed them.
Sometimes it may also look like the relationship ended because of some small fights, or conflicts you had, while in reality something else made them start those fight in first place.
Apart from the obvious reasons for discarding their partner, a narcissist can also discard you because:
- You attacked his ego: Narcissists have inflated and fragile egos. Doing anything that sends the message “you are not that special” to the narcissist, can badly hurt their ego. For example, if a narcissist believed that he is special and unique to you, and unexpectedly saw you flirting with someone, this can really hurt them.
- He raised his standard: If a narcissist raised his standards, maybe after making some achievements, he can conclude that he deserves someone better than his current partner.
- You lowered your standards: If after settling in a relationship with a narcissist, you stopped taking care of your, looks or anything that attracted the narcissist in first place, then this can turn them off and make them leave you.
- He is afraid of commitment: Some narcissists fear commitment. They prefer to keep a relationship to a superficial level without involving serious commitment. They ran away whenever the relationship is about to reach commitment level.
How to Bring a Narcissist back After a Discard
After figuring out the real reason why they left, attracting them back is easier. If he left because of something related to your behaviour, then you would need to adjust it before you try any attempt to bring them back. For example, if you hurt his ego, showing him that what you did won’t repeat can make them have a second thought. Although you should not try to directly tell them how you have changed. Instead send indirect messages and let them figure it out by themselves.
Most narcissists hate to be perceived as weak. Telling something like “I understand that what I did hurt you…) is a bad idea.
On the other hand, if the main reason why he left is something related to him like fear of commitment, then you should first convince them that you are not interested in commitment either then you can work on changing their perception slowly. (See: how to make a narcissist love you again)