Most often, a relationship with a narcissist goes through idealisation, devaluation, and ends with a discard. Although a discard does not always mean the end of the relationship. A narcissist can idealise, devalue, and discard their partner several times with no intention of ending the relationship. This means that you can still get a narcissist back even if they discarded you.
In this article, I will mainly focus on bringing a narcissist back if breaking up was their decision (not yours), however, the same method will still work if you were the one who decided to end the relationship. Also consider that this information is not suitable for those dealing with abusive narcissists, since it’s very inappropriate to bring an abusive narcissist back into your life.
Reasons why a Narcissist May Leave you
For you to successfully bring a narcissist back, you must of course understand why they decided to leave you in the first place. If you broke up right after some serious fights, disagreements, or conflicts then you obviously have an idea why they left you.
However, sometimes a narcissist may decide to break up with you for no obvious reason, leaving you wondering what went wrong.
Apart from the obvious reasons for discarding their partner, a narcissist can also discard you for the following reason.
- You attacked their ego: Narcissists have inflated but fragile egos. Doing anything that sends the message “you are not that special”, can badly hurt their ego. If you had issues in your relationship that directly or indirectly affected the narcissist’s ego and made them feel less superior or less authoritative, that’s enough to make them leave.
- Their emotional needs were n longer being met: as I mentioned in many of my previous articles, like anybody else, narcissists have emotional needs that must be met for them to feel satisfied in a relationship. These needs usually include but are not limited to: the need for attention, admiration, and love. When they meet someone who satisfies one of those emotional needs, they will like that person, but when they find someone who satisfies most of those needs, they will fall in love with them. The fact that the narcissist had fallen in love with you in the first place means that you had successfully satisfied many of their emotional needs. Maybe you made them feel superior, admired, truly loved, or something like that. Unfortunately, if your relationship reaches a point where you stop meeting their important needs, they will find themselves losing interest in you.
- You stopped taking care of yourself: If after settling in a relationship with a narcissist, you stopped taking care of your looks or anything that attracted the narcissist to you in the beginning, they may slowly lose interest in you.
- They are afraid of commitment: Some narcissists fear commitment. They prefer to keep the relationship to a superficial level without involving serious commitment. They run away whenever the relationship is about to get serious.
- They achieved their goal: some narcissists only like the hunting game. They usually chase their target with passion but once their target falls in love, they lose interest. (See: how to make a narcissist obsessed with you).
How to Bring a Narcissist back After the Discard
Of course the first step to bring a narcissist back is to understand the real reason why they discarded you. Even if they gave a certain reason why they are leaving you shouldn’t assume that they are 100% honest because they might have discarded you for reasons that they also don’t consciously understand such as the ones I mentioned above.
When you know the real reason why they left, bringing them back is a lot easier. If you found that they left for reasons related to you such as hurting their ego or not meeting their needs then the first thing you should do is to convince them that you have changed. Unless necessary, you shouldn’t try to directly tell them how you have changed, instead let them figure it out by themselves. Let them figure out that their needs will be met as they used to be when the relationship was still new and their ego won’t be hurt again.
You should understand that you are not going to take just one action to make a narcissist come back. Instead, you should try to keep in touch with them so that they eventually get interested in you again. If you separated after a serious fight, it’s important to let them calm down first before you try to make any contact with them. This is because narcissists don’t think rationally when they are experiencing a strong emotion. (See: how to make a narcissist love you again).
Do you need help and guidance in dealing with a narcissist? Feel free to chat with me directly in the email coaching service.