When a narcissist wants you back, they usually use many manipulative tactics in order to make you fall in love with them again. Some people believe that narcissists use calculated manipulations to get you back so that they keep abusing you but that’s not true.
Most of the time, narcissists don’t actually plan to manipulate people, but rather, the manipulations are part of their subconscious behavior. When a narcissist uses manipulative tactics to get you back, there’s usually not bad intent behind those manipulations. This means that they are genuinely interested in you and using what they believe is the best way to get you back.
This may sound unreal but normal people actually use similar manipulative tactics. When you wear you best clothes to impress someone you’re actually manipulating them. When you try to impress a hiring manager with your knowledge or skills so that you get hired, you’re manipulating them. Of course these are harmless manipulations. Even though most of the time narcissists don’t have a malicious plan behind their manipulative tactics to get you back, it doesn’t mean that they will stop being abusive when you get back if they were abusive in the previous relationship.
3 manipulative tactics narcissists use to get you back
1. Undoing
This tactic involves the narcissist trying to fix the mistakes they made in your previous relationship that led to the breakup. For example, if the narcissist used to harshly criticize you, shout at you, or belittle you in the previous relationship, they will try to be as nice and kind as possible in their language when they want you back.
Undoing is a very effective tactic because it usually convinces the person that the narcissist has changed. In fact, sometimes the narcissist actually tries to genuinely change. For example, if the narcissist was an alcoholic, he may genuinely decide to change and stop drinking. However, since the motivation to change stems from the desire to get you back, the motivation will fade away after getting you back unless they are afraid to lose you.
In my article: what happens when a narcissist loses everything, I said that some narcissists develop an addiction in order to cope with bad moods and emotional pain. So, even if the narcissist may sincerely decide to stop the bad habit such as drinking, he will probably return to it as soon as the bad moods kick in.
2. Love bombing
Love bombing is a manipulative tactic where the narcissist showers you with constant attention, affection, and love in order to make you fall in love with them.
This tactic works especially if you have insecurities and low self-esteem. People who have low self-esteem usually have a deep need for attention, validation, and reassurance from others. When the narcissist starts love bombing you, you may start feeling like you are getting the reassurance and validation that you’re always looking for and eventually fall in love with them.
3. Trying to prove that they are happy
Trying to prove that they are happy does not always mean that the narcissist wants you back but it’s a clear sign that they haven’t moved on yet. They usually do this by posting pictures on social media with their friends or even their new relationship partner.
Sometimes, the motive behind this behavior is to make you jealous and regret leaving them.
Should you get back with the narcissist?
Whether you decide to get back with the narcissist or not, you should keep in mind that after getting back with them there will be no significant change if any. If the narcissist was abusive in the previous relationship, they may treat you nicely for a few days after reconciliation but they will most probably start being abusive again soon after. In this case, I strongly advise staying away from the narcissist and ignore all their attempts to get you back. See: what happens when you give a narcissist the silent treatment.
On the other hand, if the narcissist wasn’t abusive and if you really believe that you can have a healthy relationship with them, getting them back is so easy. Since in this case the narcissist is already interested in you, you just have to approach them directly and talk about getting back together and they will hardly say no. See: how to get a narcissist back.